February 13, 1998

So you're one of those people who don't like spam but don't really think it's a big deal? What's the real harm, after all? Well, let me tell you, spam represents an insidious threat to the very fabric of our society.

It all started last Monday, the week before Valentine's Day. I was rounding into the final week in top shape - a few well-thought-out gifts already in the bag, and a fall-back plan for the big evening in place. Then, I get this email Monday morning. It says "Happy Valentine" and contains a linked URL. Foolishly, I clicked on it and found myself at what looked like one of those virtual flowers or postcards, only it had a big red heart and said, "I love you!" from "a secret admirer…you know who." Of course I assumed that it was my girlfriend. She's the only sanctioned valentine sender on my list, but at the same time, it just didn't sound quite like her tone. However, there were no ready suspects.

I called in my council of advisors at this point - this was a major decision! It broke down like this: I could email my honey and say "thanks secret admirer," letting her know that I knew it was her in the proper romantic tone. Pitfalls? It might, just might, not be hers, and if that was the case I was in some trouble. Or, I could just say nothing and wait for further developments. In this choice lay an even greater danger: if it was from her and I didn't say anything, then it would look like I was hiding something. At this point, I broke out in a cold sweat - this was the dreaded Kobyashi Maru, the no-win situation.

I took a deep breath, and did the only sane thing in an insane world: Option A... As you can imagine, my girlfriend had sent no valentine that day - I knew I was in for some stormy waters. As the day dragged on, I racked my brain, first eliminating practical joke as motive, tracking down my prankster friends. Miss, strike one. Then, I reluctantly turned my thoughts to some of the females that I interact with on occasion. Could any of them have such a blatant crush without me knowing something about it? Really, nothing there. Then, back in session with the council. Finally, someone suggests we take a closer look at the offending valentine itself. It seems that there's something suspicious about the web address - too simple for an online form like you'd get for virtual flowers. Now, I'm starting to be pissed. I send a threatening email to the webmaster link on the bottom of the page, and it bounces right back. Spam, sure enough.

So that's the story of how spam almost killed my Valentine's day. Can you believe that someone had the nerve to send something like this? I'll bet there are hundreds , even thousands, of guys and gals who had a similarly tense Monday. I wonder how many of them actually figured it out, and how many are packing their bags, wondering who sent the destroying message. Maybe you think I'm being overdramatic, but how far will this go? What other destructive spams lurk out there on the horizon, ready to swoop down and destroy lives in the name of low-percentage yield? It's got to be stopped, I tell you, before it gets you!

--John DeAmico

John DeAmico I work in waste management, and I read avidly in my spare time. I never eat anything but Steak and Shake if I can help it, and my favorite TV show is Party of Five. Other Articles I've Written