March 31, 1998

I have to admit: despite all the bullshit people give tourism and the attractions in this town, I still have fun whenever I go to the theme parks. I don't go that often - once every year or so, if that - but when I'm there, I make sure I enjoy it. At forty bucks a day, I'd better enjoy it.

And I mean, what's not to enjoy? The constant activity of the place. The flurry of people. People willing to spend their last dollar on not-so-cheap T-shirts or on stuffed animals or on half-decent meals at five-star pricing.

Okay... these places are even more fun to heckle than they are to visit. The last time I went, I spent more time trying to remove the magic of the place than absorbing it. Call me a cynic, call me a realist, call me an asshole. Whatever. These are the things I enjoy.

And with names like The Bone Yard, Restaurantasaurus, and Pizzafari, and a hot dog priced at $4.74, I was more than prepared to strip the new Disney attraction, Animal Planet, of its shine.

Disney's Animal Planet theme park is their version of the zoo. The place aims (my Disney contact explained during my day there) to show paying customers animals in their natural habitats, and in the process, provide people with a well-rounded animal education and a good sense of that Disney magic.

Did Animal Planet do that? Not really. Did it fill me with that Disney magic? Again, not really. But what it did do was offer me a few moments of cheap thrills and make me feel a hell of a lot of pity for its stars: the animals.

There are some good moments at Animal Planet. There's a faux African bazaar, filled with street shops and restaurants and a cabana bar that intially looks like the real thing. - a chaotic crowd of people bundled together, looking for bargains. The loud hum of conversations. The smell of cheap food. Pretty on the mark, I have to say.

Then there's the Countdown to Extinction, by far one of the most exciting rides Disney has developed. Here, you strap yourself into a time machine vehicle and journey through a dark jungle. Dinosaurs lunge out at you. You shake a lot. Loads of fun. A real blast. But alas, that's about it. There are only four or five rides at this place (a white water adventure ride is set to open in a year, I'm told), and of those rides, Countdown to Extinction is the only one that I really enjoyed.

Other rides include a boat ride that seems tailored for people who found the Jungle Cruise from the Magic Kingdom too much of a thrill.

And then there's the ridiculous drive through the 'African Savannah,' a hundred acre lot that contains numerous animals living in their natural ecosystems, where you get to witness animals in their environments. I saw elephants standing around looking drugged, lions lying around looking drugged, twenty antelopes huddled together in a small plain grazing nervously, termite hills, and many, many fake animal skeletons (dangerous, that tundra, isn't it?).

Of course, the ride wouldn't have been complete without some good old-fashioned Disney heroism. Near the end of the drive, I found myself an unwilling participant in a hunt for elephant poachers. Did we catch them? You bet! And kudos for Disney for the rousing topicality of that adventure! It made me want to move to Africa the next week and catch more of them 'pesky poachers.'

Then there's the Gorilla Walk, which let me walk through a netted tunnel, through a bird sanctuary and more artificial jungleland, in search of the ever fascinating gorilla. On the way, I got to see such co-habitual creatures as the naked mole rat and more nervously grazing antelopes.

The gorillas themselves weren't spotted until the end of the walk, through 12 inch glass, and later, from across a suspension bridge. At the bridge, I had to push my way through an onslaught of camera-wielding people to have the privilege of seeing two gorillas hiding in the brush. Of course, the whole thing was pleasantly ruined by the people around me, who spent more time yelling at the gorillas to show themselves than admiring them.

Much of my opinion of the park was in this vein - the animals didn't want to be there, and the people watching them either didn't care about this or didn't understand. Now, I'm not the most pro-animal person. I love steak. I wear leather. But to witness such an obvious unhappiness from the animals was very distracting to my enjoyment of the park.

Even worse is the train ride itself, which I think is the most horrific of all things at the park. On the ride, a narrator, from what I understood, told me that once 5 p.m. comes around and the park closes, all the animals are taken back to their cages for the night. This, of course, explained why all the animals seemed drugged. I mean, who wants to risk their lives transporting an active animal when they can work problem-free with a well-sedated one, right?

And then there is the Tree of Life, a stone tree fifteen stories high that, within its stone bark, contains the carved images of more than three hundred animals. An impressive sight, I do admit. But what does it really mean? That all animals come from the same place? That every thing on earth is part of one tree and thus deserves respect? That's what I'm thinking. But, of course, to paraphrase George Orwell's Animal Farm, four legs are better than two legs as long as those with two legs can sedate and easily lead those with four legs back to their cages for the night.

--Eyal Goldshmid

Eyal Goldshmid I am a fiction writer supporting myself as a government clerk for the US army. Until I can fully live off writing, I plan to milk all the luxury I can from the American taxpayer. Other Articles I've Written