August 26, 1997

Ok, Orlando doesn't suck. It has taken me a few years to be able to admit it, but O-Town has a whole separate world going on from the Magic Kingdom preconceived notion that dominated my perceptions. Yet, one aspect of living in Orlando is like a bleeding scab that I can't help but pick at: the Children of the Clouds.

There is no "off season". No airline is immune. No port of destination is safe.

The nightmare begins: the family of four spread across two sections, trapping you in their row of chaos. The children across the plane begin their pre-pubescent orgasmic cry of consumerism: "I'm going to see Mickey!" As their frustration mounts, parents pull a cacophony of squeaking, ringing, buzzing toys from their over-stuffed travel bags to placate the youngsters. The seat belt light goes off and children go running for aisles, climbing over anything in their way. Then the stewardesses serve them caffeinated, sugar-rich drinks, pass out packets of projectiles and retreat to the back of the aircraft to avoid the onslaught.

You might as well settle back and try to ignore it (good luck). Being drunk during the flight might help.

Not matter how much you like Orlando, it's never pleasant to fly to (or from) home because of these hoards of child-rearing tourists. I guess I have some pity on them (I imagine, for a kid, Mickey-addiction must be like crack). I just wish I didn't have to fly with them.

So I'm putting in my vote for a Disney International Airport ... or a Reedy Creek Improvement District International Airport ... hell, even a Kissimmee International Airport would be some relief. Isn't that why we let Disney set up that puppet-government anyway? Maybe they can use part of their federal tax break to get it built.

Come to think of it, why doesn't Disney just start its own airline? "Your captain Goofy has turned off the seatbeat sign" has a perfect ring to it, especially when you picture Minnie and Mickey fetching pillows and pouring drinks while pushing that little metal cart down the isle. I think Disney would make a fortune and maybe the tourist-density on other airlines would drop a bit (let's pray Disney buys a few hundred planes).

In the meantime, I've noticed there are never any kids in first class ...

--Brian Clark

Brian Clark I've worked as a professional musician, a pizza deliverer, a graphic designer, a record promoter, a database programmer, a youth empowerment coordinator and a recording engineer (not necessarily in that order.) Other Articles I've Written