Following Operation Rescue's announcement that it would use any means necessary to shut down the abortion clinics in Orlando, and that they had expanded their mission to attacking gays and bookstores, God issued a press release in which he stated: "I appreciate the good intent behind wanting to convince women not to abort their unborn babies, but this militant hate in my name has gone too far this time." In his statement, God outlined the basic steps he would take to show his displeasure, including inspiration to lawmakers and enforcement officials and the most blistering heatwave to hit the southeast in recent years. The Almighty was quoted as saying, "they want to show how devoted they are? Well, let's see if they're willing to go the distance under that 115 degree sun."
While God made it clear that he doesn't condone abortion, he wants the record to show that he doesn't feel that killing doctors, bombing clinics and mobbing people (even sinners) is consistent with his guidelines. "I used to go in more for that wrathful stuff in the Old Testament Days, but it's a new age out there, people! I'm a kinder gentler God now. I even let them kill my own son, rather than striking down the offenders, so it really pisses me off when these hate mongers use my name as an excuse for their violence." Let them blister in the sun for their arrogance. And they'd better not bring their poor children out there or there'll be Hell to pay!"
A member of Operation Rescue who prefers to remain anonymous rejoined, "Clearly the old bastard's gone soft. We know what he would want if he was in his right mind. It's our job to decide what God wants and execute his will on Earth. Why wait for his judgement in the afterlife when we can get right down to it here?"
Despite these pious words, Operation Rescue's promised "massive showing" at Disney wound up as 7 protesters meekly herded by Disney security. Perhaps the almighty still has his stuff.
I'm a teacher of history at a local all girls Catholic school. I travel any time I
get the chance - I'm trying to explore as much of the world as I can. In
the summers, I lead school trips as a way to help fund my exploration. I'm
also fond of trying weird cultural foods from everywhere I go.
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